Mess Up, But Is It?
If I look back, comparing my self today and before starting new story here in Japan, all the plan has been deviating too much. Sometimes in the train, while doing nothing, nothing coming cross my mind except: "Yeah life. Yeah this is."
Others may have been doing great things within their path, while I just begin with my own step, my new choice. Back then, even reading one paragraph of a journal became so tough; I struggled so bad. Ridiculously, but it indeed happened. Meanwhile, now, I can pick up the idea on every journal easily, even for several journals just for skimming.
This afternoon, in the train, I asked my close friend/sister, "why recently sometimes I just sit quietly and thinking nothing"
She asked, "are you too tired?"
"Hmm, could be, but I think, I'm not"
"Are you still feeling sad?" again she asked
"No," I answered, but honestly I was teary, "I just don't know why. I'm confused in this way. What should I do next. Seems many thing went wrong."
"Okay, then you must recall again your main purpose of being here in Japan. Just like an error computer, it needs a restart button for recovery."
That was the words shaking my mind from hibernating.
Then, I remember one verse from Al-Quran saying that, "every man will be struggling in Dunya, but to his Lord whom he belongs to." So, in other words, Dunya is solely a place for training. No matter how deviate the facts from your plans is, we are running in a training scenario destined uniquely upon every man. But for sure, the current path is the best training for us now, regardless how hurt it is.
She added, "I consider this as part of your maturity process."
That is true.
The moment when you have to nibble your own lip to avoid your parents anxiety bursting out. You acknowledge exactly that you need help to share you burdens, but telling them to parents won't solve any, but creating their anxiety and worries; and the worst is they might not consider you are capable enough for standing up as a person. Then what you can do is keep on doing self-healing, facing it, praying, and asking their best prayer.
The moment of being hurt as a definite risk of loving
When universe seems to gather us, but nothing we can do
Emotion wins nothing
For now, dealing with research, "Just love for anything served upon you. Anything."
Setagaya-ku, Tokyo, Japan